It became all I could say…
every question had a simple answer
I. don’t. know.
It’s an answer so unsure yet so certain
and that contradiction was, and still is, the pain that sucked the clarity out of my life.
It was exactly the way a crush is supposed to be: exciting and thrilling…short lived, but long remembered
I’ve been seeing things all over the internet this month criticizing you
saying that they are glad you are about to die and hoping your murderer, 2014, is better
well I disagree and therefore I am here to thank you
I got to meet you in the presence of my best friend
You were with me through college acceptance letters…and rejection letters, but we’ll forget about that
you were with me when I chose which university I was going to attend
and you were there when I finally got to go
you gave me the longest, most enjoyable summer I could’ve ever dreamed of
with you I got to travel all over the country: Idaho, Wisconsin, Louisiana, Nevada, Illinois, and of course, the beloved California
with you I saw 42 different bands in concert, including musical legends The Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney
you were there when I met hundreds of new amazing people
and made so many spectacular new friends
you were there when I went to prom
when I graduated
and when I moved out
you taught me how to skateboard
you taught me how to slack-line
you taught me countless life lessons which I will hold with me for the rest of my life
you witnessed many tears, but also helped to wipe them away and replace them with a smile
you accompanied me on many firsts
first yoga class
first month straight I never cried
first credit card
first time I lived on my own
and…probably the best one in my opinion
the first time I was truly happy again in 3 years
you sent me on so many adventures I probably can’t remember them all
with you my life completely changed
so I just want to say 2013…
you were awesome
with you my life became a million times better and for that reason I’m so sorry to see you go
2014 will have to be pretty fucking great to measure up to your standards
so RIP 2013
I will always remember you
try to impress me
I was thinking a lot about letting people go and how it is a really hard thing to do and why that is and I came to this conclusion; I think its hard because, in a way, you don’t want people that had a big part in your life or that you once loved to go on and live a life without you. You feel like you are a part of their life just like they are a part of yours and to let that go is, not only, to be content living your life without them, but to be content with them living their life without you, which is silly because obviously that’s not really up to you but I believe we think it is. Like letting them go is not only saying you can be ok without them, but telling yourself that they will be ok without you which, in truth, they very likely could be, but I believe we like to think people need us just as much as we once needed them.
In my short time on this planet there is one thing I have realized. When it’s bad it does get better. Not right away, sometimes it takes a very long time but it does. The thing is it gets worse too. It gets better and then it gets worse and then it gets better again. It may not get all better or to the absolute worst. It’s just a cycle..it’s the way life works. Sometimes it’s really bad for a long time and sometimes it’s really good but if it is bad know it does get better and if it’s good appreciate it while it lasts.
I have a lot of caterpillars crawling around inside of me and they want to fly.
There can be hundreds of people that are easy to say goodbye to, but then there will be that one that will leave you feeling as though the weight of the world has just come crashing down.
He lasted a long time on possibility and loneliness, a sort of addiction that caused a lot of pain but also kept a lot of pain away.
You weren’t cold or freaked out, you didn’t leave but instead you grabbed his hand to reassure him you werent upset or mad or anything and it’s because that feeling is amazing.
I think I ramble when I’m looking for answers that aren’t even there…just hoping that they will show up in scattered thoughts.
Losing Sensation…the best way I can explain it is this. You know when you are really excited for something and it feels as though every single nerve in your body is electric? Almost to the point where you are buzzing and maybe even physically shaking from the excitement? Well the way I see it true excitement is happiness in its purest form. The happiest you can be is when you are excited to the point where it feels as though your heart wants to leap out of your chest. As you slide down the happy scale you go through bliss and plain happy into calm and bored then through sad and broken hearted all the way till you dead end at depression. Moving along this scale things can still be felt. Bliss comes with uncontrollable smiles and broken hearted with endless tears…they all have their own personality that rings through your soul until you reach depression. If you bounce through depression you can feel it because there is a noticeable change if you go from, say, happy to depressed, or even sad to depressed. There is an overwhelming contrast between them. The ache you felt at sad and the tears you cried at broken hearted seem so small compared to the tremendous weight of depression. The loss of feeling only comes when you stay at depression long enough…you begin to forget that difference. You get to a point where the happy sensation is a distant memory and excitement? Well you don’t ever remember feeling that. When you reach that point your nerves turn off, things become dull, and your world becomes numb. You have begun losing sensation.